Giving Credit to Peter Salovey and John Mayer

I felt disturbed by Goleman's failure to acknowledge Peter Salovey and John Mayer for their scientific work on Emotional Intelligence until page 47 of his book. I also wonder how Salovey and Mayer feel.

Happiness

I also feel disturbed by the absence of discussion on the topic of happiness.

I found only one reference to the topic (p. 6 hardback edition). And here Goleman speaks of happiness primarily from the standpoint of brain chemistry.

I believe the quest for happiness is one of the most difficult undertakings in life, particularly in America, where success is defined by criteria such as material wealth, appearances, efficiency, productivity, output, grades and test scores. I also believe it is the most important quest each of us will ever pursue. Goleman leaves the issue of happiness virtually untouched, however, often referring instead to "success."

What Goleman does say about happiness is useful, but left me wanting more:

He spoke most of it from a biological standpoint saying that it causes these changes:

An increased activity in the brain center that inhibits negative feelings.
An increase in energy.
A decrease in "worrisome thought."
A "quiescence" which makes the body recover more quickly from "the biological arousal" of upsetting emotions.
All of this, G. says, creates a feeling of "general rest" in the body, "as well as readiness and enthusiasm...".
This seems to imply that happiness creates motivation, which certainly makes good sense to me. And it affirms the wisdom in the old saying "laughter makes the best medicine."

Following a common social trend, particularly among highly educated and intellectual people, Goleman seems to fail to acknowledge the importance of happiness. To quote Nathaniel Branden, "The world has rarely treated happiness as a state worthy of serious respect." (Taking Responsibility, 1996, p 10)

Responsibility

Goleman does not appear to endorse the concept of taking responsibility for one's own emotions. I could find no reference to the importance of this as a part of Emotional Intelligence. Goleman does not distinguish between the belief that others "make" us feel the way we do as opposed to the belief that our emotions are primarily within our own control.

For example, consider these statements:

You made me so jealous.
You made me angry.
You embarrassed me.
I advocate taking direct responsibility for our emotions (and thus our happiness) by saying instead:

I felt so jealous.
I felt angry.
I felt embarrassed.
Or perhaps, it might be both constructive and accurate to say, "you helped me feel..." Saying "you helped me feel..." acknowledges that others do play a part in our emotions, but that we still hold primary responsibility for them. This is true more for adults than children, since adults actually are largely responsible for wiring the brain connections, and thus the emotions in children. In other words, adults do "make" children feel things, or not feel them, as the case may be. Further, I believe our feelings have much to do with our self-concepts and self-esteem (see below).

For example,

"When you praised me, it helped me feel really good about myself.
"When you lectured me, it helped me feel incompetent."

I recommend, however, to simply state our feelings with 3 word sentences beginning with "I feel..", rather than even including the word "you." People feel defensive so easily when we even imply there is a cause-effect relationship between their actions and our negative feelings!

On the other hand, if someone cares about our feelings, they will most likely get the message with a very clear and direct 3 word sentence. Then they can choose to take our feelings into account, show respect for them (and thereby show respect for us), and modify their behavior voluntarily.

If they are unclear about why we feel the way we do, they are free to ask us to explain our feelings. We then feel cared for, important and heard because they are showing concern for us, they want to get to know us better, and they are willing to listen to us.

Head Vs. Heart

I feel confused and disturbed by Goleman's repeated use of the word "heart" when he is talking about emotional matters, even when he has clearly stated that emotions come from specific parts of the brain. I believe it would be more useful to stick with a more accurate, more scientific, and more consistent presentation of our emotional chemistry as opposed to poetic, yet misleading terminology. For example, his chapter heading "Managing with Heart."

Thinking, Feeling and Believing

I believe it important to distinguish between these verbs when we use them. I believe it hinders effective communication when we freely substitute one for the other. I am uncertain if Goleman shares this belief. Consider this sentence: "If there is remedy, I feel it must lie in how we prepare our young for life." (p. xiii)

I am uncertain whether Goleman really "feels" this way, whether he "thinks" it or whether he "believes" it.

Another example: in an interview with ASTD magazine Goleman says:

Goleman: "My feeling is that no one is untrainable, if they are motivated."

I am afraid you will think this is a small point, so I will explain myself. I firmly believe most of us we fail to honor our feelings as separate from our thoughts. I believe it is important, therefore, to reserve the verb "to feel" in sentences involving feelings. For example,

I feel jealous.
I feel motivated.
Whenever we say "I feel that.." or "I feel like..." we are very likely to be misusing the verb. (See Emotional Literacy)

Self-Esteem

Again, I feel disturbed and discouraged that Goleman underemphasizes the importance of EQ to self-esteem and of self-esteem to happiness. In fact, he has no references to self-esteem in his index. On this point, I actually feel incredulous!

To me, the link between self-esteem and emotions is almost self-evident. (I say "almost" because for the majority of my life I was unaware of this link! Now, though, I see the two as inseparable and reciprocal.)

I also believe that self-esteem can be defined as how we feel about ourselves. To me, this is the single most important aspect of managing our emotions, yet Goleman seems to miss this connection almost entirely. As a comparison, I have a full chapter on the relationship between EQ and self-esteem.

Self-Help Books of No Help?

Perhaps Goleman's neglect of self-esteem is a function of his apparent general disdain for self-help books. He hints at his feelings and beliefs about such books on page xi of his introduction (which he calls Aristotle's Challenge). Goleman talks about how emotions have been largely ignored by the academic community (agreed!). Then he goes on to say:

"Into this void has rushed a welter of self-help books, well-intentioned advice based at best on clinical opinion but lacking much, if any, scientific basis."

I feel a little offended and defensive when Goleman puts down the entire category of self-help books with such a sweeping statement. I personally have found such books to be of tremendous benefit to understanding myself, my relationships and others.

One last comment. Many of the so called self-help books have been based on the personal experience of the authors. I believe that experience is the best teacher, we are the best authorities on ourselves, and that self-knowledge is the most valuable of all forms of knowledge. In fact, I have discovered invaluable insights to my own understanding by reading about the lives and experiences of others. I feel a strong sense of regret that such information was not made available to me as part of my public school education. If it had been, I truly believe I could have spared myself (and others) tremendous amounts of emotional pain and financial loss.

Controlling vs. Listening to our Feelings

As I read Goleman, I get the impression that he believes we need to control our emotions. In other words, he seems to believe that if we are out of balance as a society, it is in the direction of being too emotional, too impulsive. On page xiii, for example, he says that self-restraint is one of the "two moral stances" that our times call for (...the other being "compassion", which I agree with to the extent he defines compassion as understanding and empathy rather than sympathy and pity).

I agree that our society is out of balance, but I believe it is out of balance in the direction of over-intellectualization. I believe we are over-socialized to repress, suppress, disown, deny, medicate away,. etc. our emotions. I advocate that we listen to our feelings, that we get in touch with them, that we learn to identify them and then look for the message in them to see what we can learn from them.

That said, I do believe there are certain segments of society which are indeed overly impulsive, and this impulsiveness and lack of self-control contributes to violence, rage and other forms of socially destructive behavior.

Generally speaking, though, for those of us who have endured college, graduate school, the corporate world, etc., I suggest that we would do ourselves a favor to re-connect with our child-like feelings and our gut-level instincts. When we listen to our own inner voices, as it were, we find our own unique paths.

This, I believe, is highly preferable to conforming to the prevailing social standards, to trying to live up to the expectations of others, and to doing what we have been socialized to believe we "should" do.

-------

Examples of how Goleman stretched the term emotional intelligence (and how he uses drama, plus other notes)

From Chapter 15 "The Cost of Emotional Illiteracy"

Summary

He starts out talking about emotional illiteracy, then he adds emotional competence and emotional skills. I don't recall him ever actually defining any of these terms. For several pages he never even mentions emotional intelligence. Then he blends it all together and connects this mixture to nearly all the social problems in the world. He almost completely fails to mention that parents are primarily responsible for the kinds of children they raise.

Starts out with a story on a school killing in America. p 231

Then gives these other examples of "emotional illiteracy"

- p 231: says a signs of the "deficiency in emotional literacy" can "be seen in violent incidents" such as the school shooting

Then he talks about the "heightening of the turmoil of adolescence and troubles of childhood" (drama)

He quotes US statistics on violent crimes, teen arrest for forcible rape, teen murder rates, teenage suicide, teenage pregnancy, venereal disease, symptoms of depression, eating disorders. (drama)

Then he says talks about the US divorce rate and says, "Finally, unless things change, the long-term prospects for today's children marrying and having a fruitful, stable life together are growing more dismal with each generation." (drama)

The next section in the chapter is titled "An Emotional Malaise"

He starts by saying "These alarming statistics are like the canary in the coal miner's tunnel whose death warns of too little oxygen." p 232 Next he says these are "sobering numbers" and talks about the "plight of today's children." (drama)

Next he says, "Perhaps the most telling data of all--a direct barometer of dropping levels of emotional competence--are from a national sample of American children...comparing their emotional condition in the mid-1970's and at the end of the 1980's." (The data is based on teachers' and parents' opinions.

Note- he still hasn't said emotional intelligence. But he moved from emotional illiteracy to emotional competence.

He quotes these examples of this "telling data"

- withdrawal or social problems -preferring to be alone, being secretive, sulking a lot, lacking energy, feeling unhappy, being overly dependent

- Anxious and depressed - being lonely, having many fears and worries, needing to be perfect, feeling unloved, feeling nervous or sad and depressed

- Attention or thinking problems - unable to pay attention or sit still, daydreaming, acting without thinking, being too nervous to concentrate, doing poorly on schoolwork, unable to get mind off thoughts

- Delinquent or aggressive - hanging around kids who get in trouble, lying and cheating, arguing a lot, being mean to other people, demanding attention, destroying other people's things, disobeying at home and at school, being stubborn and moody, talking too much, teasing a lot, having a hot temper

Next sentence:

2nd paragraph: "While any of these problems in isolation raises no eyebrows, taken as a group they are barometers of a sea change, an new kind of toxicity seeping into and poisoning the very experiences of childhood, signifying sweeping deficits in emotional competence." p 233 (drama)

Next he says this "emotional malaise" seems to him to be a "universal price of modern life."

Again in 2nd paragraph he refers to "emotional competence."

3rd paragraph he refers to these data as "indices of emotional skills."

p 234

First paragraph is a quote from a Cornell professor who talks about children's "moral character."

Second paragraph says that families are "financially besieged" and uses term emotional competence again. (implies such parents are victims and doesn't hold them accountable for not having kids if they can't afford them)

Third paragraph talks about how "deficits in emotional or social competence lay the foundation for grave problems."

(classic bully) p 234 kids who "overreact" second para, p 235

same page, paragraph: He says kids have a "perceptual flaw and perceive slights where none were intended." (maybe they are especially sensitive to criticism and their actually was a "slight")

Some of his favorite words:

alarming p 231, 232
barometer 232, 233
telling 232
troubling p 231

--

Examples of how Goleman fails to see cause-effect between parents and children. See chapter on depression

(to be continued)

Goleman seems to like the term "old fashioned".

On page 285 of his 1995 book he says "There is an old-fashioned word for the body of skills that emotional intelligence represents: character.

Then in his 1998 book for the corporate market he says "There is an old-fashioned word for this growth in emotional intelligence: maturity. (This is found in several places on the web. Just do a search for that sentence. It is from an excerpt of the 98 book)



Goleman's writing on "altered states of consciousness," meditation, alternate realities, mindfulness

Below are notes on some of Goleman's other publications, which I got from a database search. Most of it is stuff he wrote before he became famous. See my notes on what concerns me about his writings.

Healing emotions : conversations with the Dalai Lama on mindfulness,
emotions, and health 1997

Gives instruction in mindfulness meditation and explains how mindfulness can make the pleasant experience of flow more frequent in our daily lives.

------------

The meditative mind : the varieties of meditative experience

Originally published in 1977, then republished in 1988

Forward by Ram Dass - See my notes from this book

----------

The Buddha on meditation and higher states of consciousness
Author(s): Goleman, Daniel.
Publication: Kandy, Sri Lanka :; Buddhist Publication Society, 1989
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Journey of awakening: a meditator's guidebook
Author(s): Ram Dass. ; Goleman, Daniel. 1990
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Meditation an instructional cassette /
Author: Goleman, Daniel. Publication: Washington, D.C. American Psychological Association, 1985
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Meditation an instructional cassette /
Author: Goleman, Daniel. Publication: Washington, D.C. American Psychological Association, 1985 Doc. Sound Recording
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The meditative mind.
Author: Goleman, Daniel. Publication: Crucible, 1989
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The art of meditation
Author: Goleman, Daniel. Publication: Los Angeles, CA New York : Audio Renaissance Tapes ; Distributed by St. Martin's Press, 1989
------

Flow and mindfulness an instructional cassette /
Author: Goleman, Daniel. Publication: New York, N.Y. Produced by Psychology Today, 1976
------

Introductory psychology /
Author: Goleman, Daniel., and others Publication: New York : Random House, 1982
------

Consciousness, the brain, states of awareness, and alternate realities
Author(s): Goleman, Daniel; Davidson, Richard J. Publication: New York :; Irvington Publishers, 1979

What concerns me about Goleman's writings on meditation etc.

From his early writings, we see that Goleman endorses the use of meditation and "altered states of consciousness" to numb our negative feelings. And from his 1995 best selling book, we see that he also endorses the use of drugs to medicate moods in his 1995 book.

I disagree with this view. First, I do not either approach truly heals deep emotional wounds. It might kill or numb the pain, and it certainly shuts one off from their painful feelings and environment, but that is not the same thing as healing the wound. Also, I believe if we turn to such mind control methods as meditation we lose several important things.

First, we lose the information our negative feelings provide to us

Second, we lose the motivation to look for cause-effect relationships, such as the parent-child relationship

Third, we lose the drive to make needed fundamental social changes

Here is an example of the kind of thinking that troubles me:

When someone abuses me, I remember that they are exactly who they are supposed to be, and that there is no "me" being abused anyway..

This example came from a "Ram Dass" website discussion board. Ram Dass was, or still is, Goleman's good friend. I have written more about him here. The discussion board link has since become a dead link, but it was http://pluto.beseen.com/boardroom/b/53268/View?n=00227



See my page on meditation



Goleman's Endorsement of Drugs

Here is something from Goleman’s 1995 book which I am copying from Kevin Langdon’s review….

In these times, one sign of the capacity for emotional self-regulation may be recognizing when chronic agitation of the emotional brain is too strong to be overcome without pharmacologic help. For example, two thirds of those who suffer from manic-depression have never been treated for the disorder. But lithium or newer medications can thwart the characteristic cycle of paralyzing depression alternating with manic episodes that mix chaotic elation and grandiosity with irritation and rage. One problem with manic-depression is that while people are in the throes of mania they often feel so overly confident that they see no need for help of any kind despite the disastrous decisions they are making. In such severe emotional disorders psychiatric medication offers a tool for managing life better.

Now read what Langdon says…

What is missing here is an appreciation of the soporific effects of psychiatric medication—and, more importantly, of the primacy of consciousness over functions. If one is seeking a tranquil life, a bit of lithium, Prozac, or Zoloft can be a big help, but if one is seeking consciousness and the direct experience of one’s own true nature, these poisons to the spirit are best left alone.

Source

This reminds me of something Kel sent to me. It was about how so many people are so pleased when they find drugs to change our moods. Kel said something like “Soon there will probably be a drug to make us feel happy when someone we love dies.”

When we take what Goleman wrote in his 1995 book and consider his past and his past associations, it seems reasonable to assume that he either once did, or still does, use and condone the use of drugs, mostly likely both legal and illegal, to medicate feelings. I personally would not be at all surprised to find out that Goleman still uses a variety of drugs to "manage" his feelings and control his behavior. In fact, I would be more surprised if he doesn't.

By the way, as I recall, he never said anything at all in his books about hugs.

Kel
Hugs

About Goleman's past - see in particular: Notes from "The meditative mind: The varieties of meditative experience"

Why Goleman might have developed an interest in Eastern Spirituality

From my experience, those from Western cultures who have sought emotional healing from Eastern religion and "spirituality," have suffered from emotional and or other forms of abuse as children. They tend to be highly intellectual people who are not in touch with their feelings. They may be able to write about feelings and emotion, as Daniel Goleman can obviously do convincingly, but they tend to be tense, highly stressed people who are out of touch with most of their own feelings and unable to express them in simple sentences with feeling words in the ways I suggest in my page on emotional literacy.

This appears to be because their cognitive skills and defenses are so highly developed as a result of the emotional abuse in their childhoods, as well as through typically highly intellectual homes and over-education in the institutional sense. Instead of directly addressing the emotional abuse or damage they suffered, they have chosen less confrontational, more passive, and less painful ways of self-healing. I can understand this, and I have some compassion for their situation, but it is not the route I have personally chosen or endorse. Nor is it the one which I think is doing the most for humanity.

---

An example of his association with Eastern Religion http://www.mindandlife.org/conf00.html

Notes from "The meditative mind: The varieties of meditative experience"

Originally published in 1977, then republished in 1988. Forward by Ram Dass

This is a book that Dan Goleman wrote many years before he was famous. I was able to find the book in the library of Indiana University one day while visiting the Bloomingtong campus. The back cover tells us that Goleman "spent two years in the Far East with the meditation masters." The dedication page says: To Neemkaroli Baba and Sayadaw U Pandita for Tara, Govinddas, and Hanuman.

In the forward "Ram Dass" (Richard Alpert) talks about how he met Dan Goleman. First, though, he talks about his own use of psychedelic mushrooms to help him reach "mystical realms" and "altered states of consciousness." (p xi) One can suspect that Goleman used with such drugs as well.

Alpert also tells us a little about their experiences in India with Neemkaroli Baba. Baba is Alpert's "guru" and "Mahariji." He boasts how his guru was able to take "a huge dose of psychedelics." He also says things like this about his guru: "...if his awareness was not limited to anyplace, then there was nowhere to go, for he was already here..."

These are the kinds of things I don't find too helpful and the reasons I feel offended by people who talk and write that way. To me it is an insult to my intelligence and to my needs for knowledge and understanding. I don't need riddles, mystery and "mantras." One thing I do need to know is what causes children to start out happy, trusting and confident and then to become afraid, defensive and insecure. And what causes children to become cult members and "devotees," and to "surrender" their intelligence and independence by turning over their lives and "souls" to gurus and gods.

In any event, Alpert later Alpert talks about the monkey god that they all worshipped:

"I sat before an eight foot statue of a monkey painted red, and I sang to him and meditated upon him." (p. xiv)

His "guru" convinced him that if he meditated enough he would "know God." He later tells us that he and Goleman had the same "guru." (p. xv)

As I comment on elsewhere, one must wonder what happened in Goleman's childhood to lead him to such extremes. And I, for one at least, wonder how his emotional background, two years studying meditation, and his likely use of psychedelic drugs have affected him in terms of his brain chemistry, his values, his beliefs and his needs.

At the beginning of Goleman's own writing in the book he talks about the all the rules for monks and people who are trying to learn meditation. He says for example that there are "227 prohibitions and observances regulating every detail of" the monk's life! Goleman seems to admire this, or at least he certainly doesn't question it. Later Goleman talks about how many bowls and razors a monk is allowed to have. Again, Goleman never questions this. From his statement that he travelled to Asia as a "predoctoral fellow" it seems that he had already been accepted to Harvard's Ph.D program, yet he evidently was not even able to manage his own life. Instead, he "surrendered" it to his guru.

At any rate, Goleman proceeds to tell us about the many kinds of mediation techniques he learned. In chapters one and two he tells us about something called the "visuddhimagga." He also tells us a little about sila, samadhi, sati, vipassana, sanghas, the eight levels of jhana, etc.

In chapter three, he tells us, among other things, that the "great danger for the meditator is mistaking what is not the Path for the Path." (p 27)

I have to laugh at this when I think that "the great danger for the student of emotional intelligence is mistaking what is not Emotional Intelligence for Emotional Intelligence"!

He also tells us the meditator's mind has "abandoned both dread and delight." (p 29) Then he talks about "nirvana" and tells us that it is "describable only in terms of what it is not," saying it has "no experiential characteristics." He also says that in nirvana "all desires originating from self-interest cease to control" the meditator's behavior.

Next he tells us about the "stream enterer" and how he can't do anything wrong once he has entered the stream, such as lying, stealing or earning his living at the expense of others.

The book continues in this way. Here are just a few more samples:

p. 44-45 "The enraptured devotee is on the threshold of samadhi, or jhana. His ecstasy indicates the access level; he verges on the first jhana. Should he concentrate with enough intensity on his ishta, he can enter samadhi. Once samadhi is reached, according to Swamin Muktananda (1971), there is no further need for chanting or japa...."

By the way, we also learn from this book that Goleman was already interested in Csikzentmihalyi's concept of "flow" (see p. 181) as well as in the writing of Jon Kabat Zinn (see p. xix and 193), who wrote an endorsement for the back cover of Goleman's 1995 book.

Towards the end of the book, Goleman goes into considerable detail in his description of "mindfully eating" an almond. This description takes up all of page 188, in fact.

Strangely, the book ends on the next page with these last few lines regarding mindful walking: "Finally, you can develop a direct perception of the entire routine -- intent, movement, sensations -- without labeling any of it."

Ram Dass

"Ram Dass" is an American named Richard Alpert who turned to drugs, meditation, chanting and gurus to try to deal with his emotional pain. He and Daniel Goleman evidently shared the same "guru" in India. They also wrote at least one book together - Journey of awakening: a meditator's guidebook. (See list of Goleman's publications) Dass also wrote the forward to The meditative mind : the varieties of meditative experience.

Dass tells us he was born into an "anxiety driven, achievement oriented Jewish culture." His father was sufficiently driven to become the founder of Brandeis University, as well the founder of his own entire railroad company. His mother evidently called him names such as fool and an idiot, but Alpert has very little to say about how his parents damaged him emotionally.

This is a major problem I have with people like Alpert: they virtually ignore the role of parents in creating dysfunctional children. As evidence of this, I searched a lengthy recent interview of Alpert to see what, if anything, he might have to say about parents and parenting. In the approximately 40 page long interview neither word appeared even once. (full text)

Alpert wrote a book called "Be Here Now" in which he tells of his transition from a product of the Judeo-Christian-American belief system to a "devotee" of a guru in India. He now sells books, tapes and even t-shirts from what is allegedly a non-profit web site: www.ramdasstapes.org

The "Monkey God"

Here is a translation of a chant to the "Monkey God"

When you were a child, you swallowed the sun, plunging the three into darkness and terrifying the whole universe. No one could free the world of this calamity, so the Gods came and prayed to you. Then you set the sun free.

Who in this world doesn't know, Oh Monkey, that your name is the "Reliever of Suffering?"

Because of his fear of Bali, the king of the monkeys, Surgrva, lived on a hill. He couldn't leave because a saint had cursed him, but he longed to see the Lord of Lords, Sri Ram. Who else but you could find a solution to this? Seeing Ram coming on the road, you took the form of Brahmin, and brought Ram to Sugriva, relieving Sugriva's suffering. Relieve the suffering of this servant of yours the same way.

Who in this world doesn't know, Oh Monkey, that your name is the "Reliever of Suffering?"

You went with Angad to search for Sita. Sugriva had proclaimed that any monkey who returned without knowledge of Sita's whereabouts would be killed. All the monkeys were tired after searching and were by the shore of the ocean. It was then that you brought word of Sita, saving everyone's life

Who in this world doesn't know, Oh Monkey, that your name is the "Reliever of Suffering?"

Ravana ordered the demoness to frighten Sita. Sita asked the demoness to help her put an end to her sorrow. At that time, you, Lord Hanuman, killed the great demon. When Sita was asking for fire from the ashoka tree, you dropped Ram's ring down to her and relieved her sufferings.

Who in this world doesn't know, Oh Monkey, that your name is the "Reliever of Suffering?"

Laxman was fatally hit in the chest by an arrow, shot by Ravana's son. After killing Rhim (Ravana's son) you brought the doctor Sushena and his whole house. Then you went back and brought the whole mountain with the sajeevan herb on it. This is how you saved Laxman's life.

Who in this world doesn't know, Oh Monkey, that your name is the "Reliever of Suffering?"

Ravana waged an invisible war and bound Ram and His whole army in nooses of poisonous snakes. Everyone was suffering from this illusion and couldn't get free. Then you brought Garuda who freed them all from the serpents and saved them all from their great terror.

Who in this world doesn't know, Oh Monkey, that your name is the "Reliever of Suffering?"

Ahiravana took Ram and Laxman to the netherworld, to sacrifice them to the Goddess during a puja. Only you could help them by following to the netherworld, rescuing them and killing Ahiravana.

Who in this world doesn't know, Oh Monkey, that your name is the "Reliever of Suffering?"

You have done so many great deeds for the Gods, Oh Great Brave Hanuman, just think, what hardship is there that a poor man like me could have that you can't remove? Come quickly, Oh Hanuman, and relieve all my troubles.

Who in this world doesn't know, Oh Monkey, that your name is the "Reliever of Suffering?"

Red Monkey, with the red body
And shining red countenance
Your body is like a lightening bolt and you are the destroyer of demons
Victory, Victory, Victory to You, Lord of Monkeys



The chanting is actually done in Hindu and it starts out like this:

Ba-la sa-ma-ya ra-vi bhak-shi li-yo ta-ba ti-na-ko lo-ka bha-yo ad-hi-ya-ro

Ta-hi so tra-sa bha-yo ja-ga ko ya-ha san-ka-ta ka-hu so ja-ta na ta-ro

De-va-na an-I ka-ri bi-na-ti ta-ba cha-Ri di-yo ra-vi kas-ta ni-va-ro

Ko na-hi ja-na-ta hai ja-ga mein ka-pi (prabhu) san-ka-ta mo-cha-na na-ma ti-ha-ro

Books in which Goleman has written forwards:

Goleman seems to like to write forwards. In the ones I have read he sounds like a politician. He uses a lot of big, flowery words but basically says nothing of substance. This way he gets his name in front of more people and also creates a network of people who feel indebted to him.

Here are the books I have found so far... If you know of more please let me know.

1. Healing Power of Mind: Simple Meditation Exercises for Health, Well-Being and Enlightenment

2. Schools with Spirit

3. Emotionally Intelligent Parenting

4. Boundless Healing: Meditation Exercises to Enlighten the Mind and Heal the Body

5. The Heart of Parenting

6. In a Man's World : Father, Son, Brother, Friend...

7. Snow Lion's Turqoise Mane: Wisdom Tales from Tibet

8. The Denial of Death

9. The Meditative Mind

10.Emotional Development and Emotional Intelligence: Educational Implications

11. The Handbook of Emotional Intelligence



His endorsement of the book Chant and Be Happy

Today I turned to the back cover of Chant and Be Happy, (citation) a book which promotes the Hare Krishnas and their belief that chanting their 16 words will solve all the world's problems. To my surprise and amusement I found this endorsement by Goleman:

"The ability to handle stress increases with the practice of meditation. In a culture like ours in which inner, spiritual growth is totally neglected in favor of materialistic pursuits, we might have something to learn from the Hare Krishna devotees' meditational practices."
Daniel Goleman, Ph.D.
Associate Editor Psychology Today
Author: The Varieties of Meditational Experience

This is exactly what I have been talking about when I criticize Goleman and others. Why do they want to keep trying to manage more and more stress? I suggest we work on reducing the sources of stress! Also, it would seem Goleman has changed his tune somewhat from the days he criticized the materialistic culture, now that he has himself become rich and famous.

On the first page of chapter 8 there is another quote from Goleman in which he adds: "I found the Hare Krishna devotees to be well-integrated, friendly, and productive human beings." With all of his training in psychology I wonder if he might have also found some problems with the way they strip people of their individuality. I also wonder what he thinks of them now. Or if he has heard of the lawsuit accusing them of child abuse and neglect. I also wonder if he thinks we still need people to be more productive, like the horse in Animal Farm.

S. Hein
Jan 1, 2001

Citation: A 1997 Australian printing by McPherson's Printing Group

notes to myself ....

inconsistent/contradictory/hypocritical etc.

. Long-term studies of hundreds of children brought up in poverty, in abusive
families or by a parent with severe mental illness show that those who
are resilient even in the face of the most grinding hardships tend to
share key emotional skills. These include a winning sociability that
draws people to them, self-confidence, an optimistic persistence in
the face of failure and frustration, the ability to recover quickly
from upsets and an easygoing nature.

But the vast majority of children who face such difficulties are
without these advantages. Of course, many of these skills are innate,
the luck of genes-- from Emotional, social skills eliminate need for `wars' on
behavioral misadventures.
Source: Brown University Child & Adolescent Behavior Letter, May98,
Vol. 14 Issue 5, p1, (see in box - epprint@epnet.com --- may also be in 95 book- may just be an excpert.

write a review of this: ei.haygroup.com/resources/default_ieitest.htm



From living in New York he sees need for control. Freudian - belief that humans are innately aggressive, violent, selfish, destructive.

Smart people figure out a way to be happy (without hurting others)

Personality traits have more to do with behavior - intelligence has more to do with the mind.

Goleman wants to control behavior - that is why I call him the BF Skinner of emotions.

When he labels people with words like selfish and bully it shows how little he really understands about cause and effect, especially the cause effect relationship between parents and children. He does not understand that unmet emotional needs are what causes people who have food and shelter to act in selfish and aggressive ways. It also shows how little compassion he actually feels. I wonder how he could go through so many years of studying psychology and still be labeling people.

find example of police officer who said "talk to city hall" and walked away, which Goleman thinks is an example of high EQ

comment on this

Quote About Criticism From Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman ISBN 0-553-09503-X



(p. 151) "In a sense, criticism is one of the most important tasks...Indeed, how criticisms are given and received goes a long way to determining how satisfied people are with their work [and] with those they work with..."

"The Worst Way to Motivate Someone" (p. 151)

"...Criticisms are voiced as personal attacks rather than complaints that can be acted upon; there are ad hominem charges with dollops of disgust, sarcasm, and contempt; both give rise to defensiveness and dodging of responsibility and, finally, to stonewalling or the embittered passive resistance that comes from feeling unfairly treated. Indeed, one of the more common forms of destructive criticism...is a blanket, generalized statement like 'You're screwing up,' delivered in a harsh, sarcastic, angry tone, providing neither a chance to respond nor any suggestion of how to do things better. It leaves the person receiving it feeling helpless and angry.

From the vantage point of emotional intelligence, such criticism displays an ignorance of the feelings it will trigger in those who receive it, and the devastating effect those feelings will have on their motivation, energy, and confidence in doing their work."

What are effects of personal attacks?

defensiveness, excuses, or evading responsibility. stonewalling--avoiding the person who attacks. thoughts of innocent victimhood or righteous indignation...

(p. 153) "The Artful Critique"

"An artful critique can be one of the most helpful messages...Such a message has the opposite impact of destructive criticism: instead of creating helplessness, anger, and rebellion, it holds out the hope of doing better and suggests the beginning of a plan for doing so."

"An artful critique focuses on what a person has done and can do rather than reading a mark of character into a job poorly done. As Larson observes,'A character attack--calling someone stupid or incompetent--misses the point. You immediately put him on the defensive, so that he's no longer receptive to what you have to tell him about how to do things better.'..."

"And, in terms of motivation, when people believe that their failures are due to some unchangeable deficit in themselves, they lose hope and stop trying. The basic belief that leads to optimism, remember, is that setbacks or failures are due to circumstances that we can do something about to change them for the better."

(quoted from p. 153) Suggestions for better critiques:

1. Be Specific.

Pick a significant incident, an event that illustrates a key problem that needs changing or a pattern of deficiency, such as the inability to do certain parts of the job well. It demoralizes people just to hear that they are doing 'something' wrong without knowing what the specifics are so they can change. Focus on the specifics, saying what the person did well, what was done poorly, and how it could be changed. Don't beat around the bush or be oblique or evasive; it will muddy the real message. ...say exactly what the problem is, what's wrong with it or how it makes you feel, and what could be changed.

2. Offer a solution.

The critique, like all useful feedback, should point to a way to fix the problem. Otherwise it leaves the recipient frustrated, demoralized, or demotivated. The critique may open the door to possibilities and alternatives that the person did not realize were there, or simply sensitize her to deficiencies that need attention--but should include suggestions about how to take care of these problems.

3. Be sensitive.

This is a call for empathy, for being attuned to the impact of what you say and how you say it on the person at the receiving end. ...[lack of empathy often leads to a hurtful fashion of feedback, such as the withering put-down] The net effect of such criticism is destructive: instead of opening the way for a corrective, it creates an emotional backlash of resentment, bitterness, defensiveness, and distance. (p. 154) Counsel for those receiving criticism: "...see the criticism as valuable information about how to do better, not as a personal attack. ...watch for the impulse toward defensiveness instead of taking responsibility. And, if it gets too upsetting [take a break] after a period to absorb the difficult message and cool down a bit. Finally,...see criticism as an opportunity to work together with the critic to solve the problem, not as an adversarial situation."





Trajectory 9 times.



9 pages with references to trajectory in this book:

1. on Page 59:
"... are driving on the freeway. If your reflexive thought is "That son of a bitch!" it matters immensely for the trajectory of rage whether that thought is followed by more thoughts of outrage and revenge: "He could have hit me! That ..."
2. on Page 81:
"... choices a child makes is a telling test; it offers a quick reading not just of character, but of the trajectory that child will probably take through life. There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse. It is ..."
3. on Page 121:
"... tentative attempts to refocus on another topic; people who intrude or ask "nosy" questions. These derailments of a smooth social trajectory all bespeak a deficit in the rudimentary building blocks of interaction. Psychologists have coined the term dyssemia (from the Greek ..."
4. on Page 140:
"... each other, and feel alone within the marriage. All too often, Gottman finds, the next step is divorce. In this trajectory toward divorce the tragic consequences of deficits in emotional competences are self-evident. As a couple gets caught in the reverberating ..."
5. on Page 236:
"... with teachers will become delinquents in their teen pears I' Of course, not all such aggressive children are on the trajectory that leads to violence and criminality in later life. But of all children, these are the ones most at risk ..."
6. on Page 237:
"... toward delinquency, engaging in petty crimes such as shoplifting , theft, and drug dealing. (A telling difference emerges in this trajectory between boys and girls. A study of fourth-grade girls who > were "bad"-getting in trouble with teachers and breaking rules, ..."
7. on Page 238:
"... get beaten up badly don't really suffer that much."'1 But timely help can change these attitudes and stop a child's trajectory toward delinquency; several experimental programs have had some success in helping such aggressive kids learn to control their antisocial bent ..."

8. on Page 278:
"... similar convergence on emotional literacy occurred with a consortium of psychologists trying to find ways to help youngsters on a trajectory toward a life marked by crime and violence. Dozens of studies of such boys-as we saw in Chapter 15-yielded a ..."

9. from Back Matter:
"... 'paper presented at the meeting of the Society for Research on Child Development, Kansas Citv, Missouri (Api 1989) 20 The trajectory to dehnquencti Gerald R Patterson, "Orderly Change m a Stable World. The Antisocial Trait as Chimera,".fovrnal gf(,lmical and Consulting Pslcbolog ..."